Hello readers!
First of all, I need some help. You know the novel that I'm writing? I need a poem or a lullaby about the ocean; four lines only. If you can, please give me one in the comment section.
That would really help me.
Today's blog post, I'll be telling you about this feeling that I've been having for a long time; I'll be telling you about the school problems I've been having as well.
So it goes:
Ever since I was in Year 5 (or Grade 5) I keep getting this feeling that people hates me, I want it to stop, but it keeps coming back, like an evil spirit that's tempting me to believe that I'm all alone, and have no one in my life. My Mum told me that I think too much, maybe she's right, or maybe not.
I'm like the loser in my class when I was in Primary school; I'm not cool like everybody else, I don't even try to be cool. People teased me and joked me around for fun; but they don't know how much sadness I felt; they don't know that I cry every night - even my parents doesn't know.
Whenever I have a total meltdown, I complain to myself of why I'm even alive. Mostly, I mutter to myself "I want to die, I want to die, I want to die." Don't worry, I didn't do anything suicidal, but I kept on wishing that I was dead.
In Year 6, it's even worse. I try to hang out with people, but they seem to ignore me; it's like I'm a ghost to everyone. I started to hang out with people younger than me, for example the Year 4s and Year 3s. My year group asked me why I hang out with them, but I couldn't find the perfect answer to give them. I help the young children in the infants playground; I go to them whenever they're hurt or crying. Since I was elected to be one of the Peer Mediators, I've solved many problems, and helped the people that needed help the most. I give them advice, I have meetings with the Heads of the Mediators, and tell them the problems and dilemmas that's been happening in the school. I care about people, especially the ones that's been bullying me. I couldn't resist to have the urge to hate someone, it's like all I have inside me is caring and love for all the people that I know.
When I started secondary school, I feel like a new person. I feel like I could be myself; I feel like I'm not the ghost any more. But I was wrong. Nowadays, people started removing me from WhatsApp group chats which hurt my feelings. It showed me that they don't want me; I feel unwanted now. I told my parents once, they said not to worry and they'll figure something out. But its still happening.
I have a best friend in my secondary school, she suppose to self harm, but now she doesn't - which is good. I had a music assessment once, and Uni (again, not my friend's real name) was my partner. We're suppose to make up a song so we could perform it in front of everyone in my class. Since I have stage frights, my fingers trembled when I started to do my solo. Somehow I forgotten all the chords that I have to play for my solo part. Uni got frustrated. Ever since that day, I felt like she's starting to avoid me.
I feel as if I'm the only girl who has these problems and these type of feelings.
I want it to end; I want to start my life all over again, and change my school problems. But you can't go back. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future.
The thing is: I don't know if I could....
Anjewel,
xxx